"How Cool Was That?"

With apologies to Emily Post etiquette junkies, I am sending this mass e-thank you card to everyone who was a part of my suprise 50th birthday party Saturday evening.

I was truly blown away when I walked into that room and saw so many people who have been a part of my life for so many years. As a passionate party-disliker and aspiring recluse, I am particularly grateful that so many people sacraficed a Saturday evening to schlepp to Anderson Township to be a part of the celebration. It was a great party and it was fun to see all of you. I know I didn't get to spend enough quality time with each of you..my apologies in that regard.

The question of the night was: "Did you have any idea that this was happening?" The answer is: "absoutely not." The truth is, I'm the perfect person for whom to plan a suprise birthday party as I come from a long line of clueless Ukranians. In fact, low self esteem is so etched into the psyche of people of Slavic heritage that we would never even contemplate the idea of 80+ people coming together to celebrate "us." It is with this backdrop that I shuffled through this weekend completely oblivious to Kate's comings and goings. I'm actually convinced that I wouldn't have figured anything out even if she had asked me to help decorate the clubhouse Saturday afternoon.

The benefit, of course, of being so clueless is that it made the surprise that much more satisfying. I was truly overwhelmed when I walked into that room Saturday evening. It was a powerful confirmation of the fact that my life is rich beyond belief because of my many wonderful friendships.

I won't try to thank each of you because I know I would likely miss someone given my lack of attention to details. But each of you is a gift to me: My friends and colleagues from Northlich who help to make coming to work a true joy. My LMC friends who've been in my life for such a long time...and hung out Saturday night to the bitter end. My "Kate friends" who I have come to know and love these past 10 years (you know who you are). The Ewings who I call family and share our love of animals. And, the friends who played a role in helping Kate to pull off this great party...Karl, Barb & Tim, Dave & Annette, Julie, John & Betsy, Karen & Funky. I hope I covered everyone.

And, of course...two very special people.

My son Jay who has given me the chance to re-live my childhood and to experience the pure love of being a parent. Jay helped plan the party and deserves a lot of credit for not letting the cat out of the bag. I love you Jay.

Kate Jacobs Spak, my best friend, lover and partner for life. Thank you for making my life so rich and colorful. Thank you for the loving guidance you give to my son. Saturday evening was truly special and I will be forever grateful for everything you did to make it such.

If I missed anyone, please accept my aplogy. Thanks to everyone for being with me on Saturday evening...and for the friendship you give me each day of my life.

Warmest regards,
Doug

GOT PANDEMIC: PART 2

At this point, nobody really knows if the H5N1 avian flu strain will spread to humans or if “The Apprentice” will be renewed for another season. But if the bird flu spreads, the U.S. Government wants Americans to be prepared for a disaster of biblical proportions that will likely render home pizza delivery all but impossible, especially on Sunday evenings.

Several weeks ago, The Insecure Male (TIM), as a public service, published the first of a two part series on long term planning for the avian flu pandemic. In today’s follow up posting, TIM helps you to be as prepared as possible when the bird flu finally arrives at your front door.

WHAT TO STOCKPILE FOR THE PANDEMIC

If H5N1 does reach a pandemic stage, it could last for weeks, years or, worst case, until CBS runs out of new versions of CSI. Because most basic services will be disrupted, The U.S. Department of Homeland Insecurity, FEMA (Fucking Emergency My Ass!) and Nickelodeon have issued the following guidelines for what the average family should stockpile in case the pandemic hits:

Non-Perishable Food: 6,000 cans of Spam, a case of Twinkies and 1 box of Cheezits.

Wine: Under normal circumstances, wine selection can be an intimidating process for an average person and a nearly impossible task for the United States Senate. With the H5N1 pandemic fast approaching, most wine experts fear that there will be wide-spread panic and confusion among wine buyers, potentially leading to a second, a more lethal pandemic of failed dinner parties. Joel LaRouche, author of the best-selling pandemic wine buying guide, “Wines to Die for” cautions against panic hoarding of wine. His biggest fear is that the average person will associate the avian flu with chicken and overstock whites at the expense of variety. “You silly boy,” says LaRouche. “for $9 you can buy a lovely Hardy’s Nottage Hill Shiraz from Australia that is perfect with anything…you’ll be the hit of the pandemic.” If you insist on white, LaRouche suggests the Chateau St. Michelle Chardonnay from Washington State. “I don’t know of another Chardonnay that can hold up to massive loss of life like the St. Michelle,” he added.

Uno: The fun card game for the entire family

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Off the record, most government officials fear that the post-apocalyptic environment that will exist following the end of the pandemic could be one of massive societal breakdown, anarchy and an increase in late fees at Blockbuster. This period will be ideal for entrepreneurs to create their own rogue nation-state bent on the annihilation of both democratic ideals and the cast of American Idol. In order for a newly formed rogue nation state to achieve such lofty goals, most experts believe it will be important to stockpile both weapons of mass destruction and an extra pair of Dockers. If you are considering world domination, terrorism experts suggest you take the following steps:

Shop around… with most people focused on stockpiling non-perishable food items and bottled water, WMD inventories have continued to grow, resulting in excellent deals for aggressive price shoppers. Islamazon.com has healthy stocks of WMD’s from the most popular manufacturers…and in a variety of colors. The popular terrorist on-line auction site, WMDbay, is also seeing brisk activity on some of its most lethal terror items such as mustard gas and DVD box sets of PBS’ Masterpiece Theatre. In order to move some of its inventory of enriched, weapons-grade plutonium, the massive, big-box retailer, Home Despot, is now offering special Saturday morning “Build a Bomb” classes for parents and children. “Many aspiring megalomaniacs have no idea where to start when it comes to building a nuclear weapon,” said Achmed Wilson-Jones, Special Event Coordinator for Home Despot. “These classes have been a great way to bring post apocalyptic jihadists into our stores for a fun family activity that also provides excellent hands on experience in weapon construction, deployment and detonation.”

Store WMDs properly… most WMDs have highly sophisticated timing and detonation devices that are sensitive to temperature, humidity, dust particles and wads of Bubblicious. For the best possible performance, it is important to store your WMDs in a specially designed chamber made from reinforced concrete and pumice block walls, with an outer layer of prefabricated metal sheeting and insulated metal roofing. If such a structure is impractical because of either space of financial restrictions, Tupperware makes an entire line of WMD-safe containers for easy storage in your basement.

Steps to prevent detection of your WMDs… Because WMD’s are illegal in most states, many aspiring “dictators for life” are planning elaborate schemes to avoid detection. Most experts, however, believe that such schemes are completely unnecessary as it is highly unlikely that the U.S. government will be able to locate your WMD’s. “Just keep ‘em in your garage next to your Ortho Weed Be Gone,” said a senior intelligence officer. “We’ll never know the difference. He added: “Of course, if you are really nervous about detection, you can simply move your family and all of your WMD’s to North Dakota or Idaho where anarchists are welcomed.”

GOT PANDEMIC?

It's important to plan ahead.

For more than a year, world health officials and Eyewitness News at 11 have been warning of the potential spread of H5N1, otherwise known as the avian flu. In the U.S., government officials and their legal dependents believe migratory birds carrying the virus will likely arrive in North America before the end of this year...or by Tuesday afternoon at 4:35PM.

At the moment, the only way to catch bird flu is through a close, personal and intimate relationship with an infected bird, or by attending the Ice Capades. The disease does not spread easily from birds to humans, but if you happen to be sharing a bed with a double crested cormorant, you might want to cancel your vacation plans! If the flu mutates into a strain that can pass between humans, officials estimate that the number of deaths in North America could range from 2 million to, well, everyone.

There is no way of knowing if H5N1 will spread between humans. But if it does, the U.S. government wants all citizens to be prepared for a disaster that could dramatically impact the quality of service at Applebee's in addition to distrupting bus service on the #23 and #35 lines. As a service to all 2 of its readers, The Insecure Male (TIM), in association with Haliburton and the cast of "Lost" has created the following guidelines to help make your avian flu experience more productive and enjoyable.

MAKE PLANS NOW

* It is important to recognize that the avian flu pandemic can last weeks, months or until the end of time as we know it. As such, it is important to plan accordingly. If you haven't already done so, have the Post Office hold all of your mail until after the pandemic ends. Also, be sure to pick up your dry cleaning-many dry cleaners will not hold clothing items until the end of time as we know it. Unless you've made a significant deposit on a hall, authorities suggest that you should reconsider having a wedding or bar mitzvah during a time when all of your friends and relatives are either dying or planning to die.

* Talk openly with your children about the pandemic. Assure them that the flu will result in unimaginable horrors, massive loss of life and a strong likliehood that Old Navy will be closed for an indefinate period of time. Because a pandemic is an abstract concept, most younger children will not be able to fully comprehend the magnitude of the impending tragedy. As such, many public libraries have stocked extra copies of popular books such as "Berenstein Bears and the Black Plague." Fortunately, because teens tend to be nihlistic anyway, they will likely enjoy discussions of their impending demise.

* Sell your home now. Most real estate experts believe that the avian flu pandemic will seriously depress real estate prices. According to Millie Scott of the National Realtors Assocition, home prices fell nearly 70% during the Bubonic Plague. "The last thing people want to think about during a pandemic is getting ready for an open house," said Scott. She added: "I'll tell you something, after this Pan-thingy ends, it's gonna be a dang buyers market, so sell your house now and hide the cash until the market comes back. "

* Do not have unprotected sex with fowl of any kind, especially migratory birds. Even if you are in a committed relationship with a white faced whistling duck or a plum-headed parakeet, you need to remain cautious as such rare breads are highly succeptible to H5N1 and rarely pick up a dinner tab. The Toledo Center for Disease Control and Board Games has begun posting public health warnings at aviaries, zoos and nature preserves. According to Chet Toblar, Executive Director of at the Toledo Center, "Our objective with these postings is to limit the level of "casual contact" that occurs as a result of bird-lovers who frequently cruise these types of venues."

* Become a Christian. Most devout Christians fully embrace the belief that their acceptance of Christ as their "personal Lord and savior" will provide them with immunity from damnation and past-due library fines during the rapture. If the pandemic approaches a "worse case" scenario, it may be worthwhile for a non-believer/hethen/cultist/Catholic/Methodist/Buddhist/Muslim/Hindu/TuTu/Short Order Cook to "hedge your bets" by committing your life to Christ, on paper. Such a committment can now be made on-line at personallordandsavior.org. Simply click on the "I want to be born again" icon to find the membership application. Within 7-10 working days of submitting the application and $10 handling charge, you will recieve your "Born Again" membership packet, which includes a membership card, window decal and limited-edition "I'm saved" regrigerator magnet.

*Move to Guam today, really, we mean it, get the hell out of here...In the event that the H5N1 pandemic reaches the U.S., The Department of Homeland Insecurity recently announced that crisis management will fall under the auspices of FEMA (Fucking Emergency, My ASS!). When reached for comment on the selection of his beleagured agency to handle the avian crisis, Homeland Insecurity Secretary Marty Lewiston said: "Listen, when everyone saw New Orleans drifting out into the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, they immediately blamed FEMA. Sure, they could have been a little more responsive, but it was a weekend after all. At least with the bird flu there won't be as much wind and flooding. I think FEMA shouldn't have much of a problem handling mass burials...don't you agree?" As Lewiston boarded a private jet with his family en route to an undisclosed foreign location, he added: "I feel safe with FEMA at the helm and I think all Americans should feel the same. Now, I gotta get out of here."

Next posting: "Your Pandemic Survival Kit"

"EASTER ON TUESDAY" PROCLAIMS NEW TEXT


Throught the Christian world, biblical scholars and their alter boys are reeling this Easter morning in the wake of the recently recently-released Gospel of Judas.

The Gospel of Judas was among the many early biblical-era texts that were not included in the original canon (new testatment) by Constantin and the Council of Nicea in the 3rd century. Collectively known as the Gnostic Gospels, these rejected texts were considered heretical by the early church. The Gnostic Gospels which included the Gospels of Thomas, Mary Magdeline, Stanley and Mort, among others, portrayed Jesus as more human with the same kind of issues that any middle aged guy would face. This depiction of Jesus was dramatically different than the more divine version included in the approved Gospels: Mathew, Mark, Luke and John.

But the recent discovery of the Gospel of Judas has, more than any other Gnostic Gospel, rocked the foundation of modern Christian teaching. Heretofore considered lost, the Gospel of Judas was uncovered in the attic of Greta Spencer in Schenectedy New York as she was gathering items for a church rummage sale. "I ain't been up in this attic much since we moved in a few years ago and I knew there was a bunch a old boxes up here, " said Ms. Spencer. "I saw this dusty old book, but when I couldn't understand it, I just thought it was Spanish or Jewish or something crazy like that. I just threw it in with the rest of the books and thought I'd let Reverand Sharp have a look see."

As it turns out, Reverand Alan Sharp of the First Presbetyerina Church of Schenectedy had some early training in Aramaic and immediately realized that the book wasn't a Spanish-language edition of The Art of Cooking, but some sort of biblical text. The discovery of the text brought together antiquities experts and biblical scholars from through the world to verify the book's authenticity, intrepret its writings and battle for publishing rights.

"It's the real thing," proclaimed Alan Peterson, Senior Purchasing Manager of Housewares and Antiquities for J.C. Penny. "Through carbon-dating, we determined that the coffee stain on the back cover was made in the spring of 33AD. We're thrilled about this discovery and at $39.99 we think it will be a big seller this coming Christmas."

But it is the intrepretations of Judas' writings that are causing tremendous rifts among biblical scholars. Some of these intrepetations challenge the basic foundation of nearly 2,000 years of accepted Christina doctrine, including:

Judas did not betray Jesus...there is little doubt among scholars that Jesus was the victim of a massive betrayal that led to his crucifixtion. But the Gospel of Judas is now shedding new information that may challenge the accepted belief that Judas was Jesus' betrayer. According to Dr. Martin Schoerson, Head of the Department of Biblical and Astrological Studies at Long Island Community College and Day Spa: "The Gospel of Judas introduces someone named Kurt into the Last Supper story. Kurt, the son of Ephram who begat Barry and Todd once removed, was supposedly in some trouble with the local Centurions and may have sold his soul to get out of jail time. While details are sketchy, Judas' text indicates that Centurions entered the restaurant and arrested Jesus only seconds after Kurt accidently spilled a cup of wine/blood onto the Christ's lap." Dr. Schoerson admits that the evidence is circumstantial, but adds: "The kid certainly had a motive."

The resurrection did not happen Sunday morning... Judas maintains that it took Jesus more than five days to rise from the dead, not three as proclaimed in the official Gospels. "I always thought the three day story was a little too tidy," said Dr. Ronald McClean, head of biblical studies for the National Hockey League. "The simple truth is," he added, "that Emperor Constantin opted for the three-day resurrection story based on his belief that 'no company in the world is going to allow a five-day Easter holiday.'"

Mary Magdeline was not at Jesus' side at the Last Supper...this long-standing debate, fueled in recent years by Dan Brown's best selling novel, The DaVinci Code, is clearly challenged in the Gospel of Judas. According to the intrepretation of the text, Mary Magdeline was not at the Last Supper because Thursday night was her book club. In addition, the text seems to suggest that Mary was annoyed with Jesus because of the increased amount of time he was spending with the apostles at the expense of their relationship. According to Judas, Mary says: "Every week he sayeth the same thing: this will be my last supper with the guys. But it never is. I swear, he thinketh he walketh on water, but frankly, I'm exhausted with the whole situation."

The Last Supper was not a quiet, solemn event...The approved Gospels create a scene of relative peace and serenity as the disciples congretate to break bread with their Lord for the last time. However, the Gospel of Judas goes on at length in its description of the Last Supper as a "raucous affair." Translated from Aramaic, Judas claims the following: First, the restaurant needed to find an extra-long table so that Jesus and the disciples could face forward for the official Last Supper painting. This proved to be very disruptive as it was Passover and the place was packed. Second, there were major issues about who sat closest to his savior. After some haggling, it was agreed that everyone would rotate throughout the evening, but there was still plenty of grumbling. Third, a number of disciples were vegetarians who would not partake of the traditional Passover Paschal Lamb and were distrressed that only red wine was ordered for the table. "Why," one of them asked Jesus, "cannot the blood of Christ be a crisp Chardonnay or possibly a Reisling." Finally, when the check came, it sat on the table, for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, in exasperation, Jesus picked up the tab and apparently says "None of you will repay me," which, of course, in the official new testament is intrepeted as "One of you will betray me."

The release of the newly discovered Gospel of Judas has created a firestorm throughout the Christian world. When reached for comment during his Easter vacation, Pope Benedict XVI read the following statement: "This is a f#&*ing joke! If you ask me, that Dan Brown is behind this Judas Gospel crap because it's tailor made for a book and movie deal. As far as I'm concerned, it's simple: Judas is the betrayer, Magdeline was a whore and Jesus rose on the third f#&*ing day, END OF STORY! I swear, sometimes I hate this f#&*ing job."

Have a Happy Easter.

Brief History of Male Insecurity
1.96million years ago, on a Tuesday morning at approximately 8AM EST, Homo Phobic Erectus pulled himself from the proverbial “mire," stood up straight for the first time, stretched to the sky, yawned and scratched his genitals. The discovery of all things genitalia was followed in rapid order by the discovery of fire, crude stone tools, marriage, careers, families, 30-year fixed mortgages, step families, late fees, The Sopranos, Republicans, down-sizing, Home Depot, orthodontics, alimony, No-Load mutual funds, identity theft, microwavable fruit smoothies, the designated hitter, Hugh Hefner, Valentine’s Day, 1-800 Flowers, erectile dysfunction, expectations, commitments… and “issues.”

Within weeks, Homo Phobic Erectus was overwhelmed with issues and a gnawing feeling that it could “all go to hell in a handbasket.” Through the combination of natural selection, Fruedian analysis and the development of wicker handbaskets, Homo Phobic Erectus was eventually consumed by chronic insecurity, punctuated with bouts of depression, emotional withdrawl and an intense desire to join a bowling league. Thus, what started as an innocent morning crotch rub, eventually evolved into the 21st century ancestor of Homo Phobic Erectus: Insecuris Prozacalotus (shown at right)

Being self absorbed by his 2 million year path to insecurity, rapidly receding hairline and refusal to ask for directions , Insecuris Prozacalotus failed to notice the even-more rapid evolution of his significant human other: modern woman (NoWayus Not Tonightus). NoWayus NotTonightus emerged as the more emotionally balanced and style concious of the human species through a combination of natural selection, natural hair coloring and revolving credit. Also, through a genetic pre-disposition to communicate, NoWayus developed the ability to “process” things with friends, typically over a couple of Appletini’s at TGIF. It is through this ability to process that she came to dismiss Insecuris Prozacalotus’ issues as “f#*+ing childish.”

Thus, we arrive at the present moment when male/female relationships are arguably worse than at any point in that past 7-10 days. “Relationship issues” have escalated at a rate that far exceeds a woman’s processing ability, resulting in a greater reliance on Appletinis to just "get her through the day," emotional withdrawl and increased TIVOing of Oprah.


The State of Male Insecurity
In 2004, The Annenberg Foundation, in association with Autozone, The World Wrestling Federation and Clay Aiken, conducted a far-reaching and ground-breaking study on male insecurity in the United States. Their findings:

1. With the exception of Robert Schuller, Tom Cruise and Clay Aiken, more than 100% of U.S. men over the age of 18 suffer from some form of insecurity.

2. Male insecurity is the leading cause of marriage, divorce, fidelity, infedelity, sobriety, alcoholism, broken homes, broken tennis rackets, ESPN, Christianity, atheism, pornography, photography, mamography and the continuing, yet curious, success of Clay Aiken

3. The financial impact of male insecurity: Billions,
The social impact of male insecurity: Just awful
Receiving the Clay Aiken Xmas CD: PRICELESS

4. One out of every one adult males will have a “major insecurity event” in his lifetime… followed immediately by a cold Bud Light, a basket of wings and the special 90 minute edition of SportsCenter.