Brief History of Male Insecurity
1.96million years ago, on a Tuesday morning at approximately 8AM EST, Homo Phobic Erectus pulled himself from the proverbial “mire," stood up straight for the first time, stretched to the sky, yawned and scratched his genitals. The discovery of all things genitalia was followed in rapid order by the discovery of fire, crude stone tools, marriage, careers, families, 30-year fixed mortgages, step families, late fees, The Sopranos, Republicans, down-sizing, Home Depot, orthodontics, alimony, No-Load mutual funds, identity theft, microwavable fruit smoothies, the designated hitter, Hugh Hefner, Valentine’s Day, 1-800 Flowers, erectile dysfunction, expectations, commitments… and “issues.”

Within weeks, Homo Phobic Erectus was overwhelmed with issues and a gnawing feeling that it could “all go to hell in a handbasket.” Through the combination of natural selection, Fruedian analysis and the development of wicker handbaskets, Homo Phobic Erectus was eventually consumed by chronic insecurity, punctuated with bouts of depression, emotional withdrawl and an intense desire to join a bowling league. Thus, what started as an innocent morning crotch rub, eventually evolved into the 21st century ancestor of Homo Phobic Erectus: Insecuris Prozacalotus (shown at right)

Being self absorbed by his 2 million year path to insecurity, rapidly receding hairline and refusal to ask for directions , Insecuris Prozacalotus failed to notice the even-more rapid evolution of his significant human other: modern woman (NoWayus Not Tonightus). NoWayus NotTonightus emerged as the more emotionally balanced and style concious of the human species through a combination of natural selection, natural hair coloring and revolving credit. Also, through a genetic pre-disposition to communicate, NoWayus developed the ability to “process” things with friends, typically over a couple of Appletini’s at TGIF. It is through this ability to process that she came to dismiss Insecuris Prozacalotus’ issues as “f#*+ing childish.”

Thus, we arrive at the present moment when male/female relationships are arguably worse than at any point in that past 7-10 days. “Relationship issues” have escalated at a rate that far exceeds a woman’s processing ability, resulting in a greater reliance on Appletinis to just "get her through the day," emotional withdrawl and increased TIVOing of Oprah.


The State of Male Insecurity
In 2004, The Annenberg Foundation, in association with Autozone, The World Wrestling Federation and Clay Aiken, conducted a far-reaching and ground-breaking study on male insecurity in the United States. Their findings:

1. With the exception of Robert Schuller, Tom Cruise and Clay Aiken, more than 100% of U.S. men over the age of 18 suffer from some form of insecurity.

2. Male insecurity is the leading cause of marriage, divorce, fidelity, infedelity, sobriety, alcoholism, broken homes, broken tennis rackets, ESPN, Christianity, atheism, pornography, photography, mamography and the continuing, yet curious, success of Clay Aiken

3. The financial impact of male insecurity: Billions,
The social impact of male insecurity: Just awful
Receiving the Clay Aiken Xmas CD: PRICELESS

4. One out of every one adult males will have a “major insecurity event” in his lifetime… followed immediately by a cold Bud Light, a basket of wings and the special 90 minute edition of SportsCenter.