GOT PANDEMIC: PART 2

At this point, nobody really knows if the H5N1 avian flu strain will spread to humans or if “The Apprentice” will be renewed for another season. But if the bird flu spreads, the U.S. Government wants Americans to be prepared for a disaster of biblical proportions that will likely render home pizza delivery all but impossible, especially on Sunday evenings.

Several weeks ago, The Insecure Male (TIM), as a public service, published the first of a two part series on long term planning for the avian flu pandemic. In today’s follow up posting, TIM helps you to be as prepared as possible when the bird flu finally arrives at your front door.

WHAT TO STOCKPILE FOR THE PANDEMIC

If H5N1 does reach a pandemic stage, it could last for weeks, years or, worst case, until CBS runs out of new versions of CSI. Because most basic services will be disrupted, The U.S. Department of Homeland Insecurity, FEMA (Fucking Emergency My Ass!) and Nickelodeon have issued the following guidelines for what the average family should stockpile in case the pandemic hits:

Non-Perishable Food: 6,000 cans of Spam, a case of Twinkies and 1 box of Cheezits.

Wine: Under normal circumstances, wine selection can be an intimidating process for an average person and a nearly impossible task for the United States Senate. With the H5N1 pandemic fast approaching, most wine experts fear that there will be wide-spread panic and confusion among wine buyers, potentially leading to a second, a more lethal pandemic of failed dinner parties. Joel LaRouche, author of the best-selling pandemic wine buying guide, “Wines to Die for” cautions against panic hoarding of wine. His biggest fear is that the average person will associate the avian flu with chicken and overstock whites at the expense of variety. “You silly boy,” says LaRouche. “for $9 you can buy a lovely Hardy’s Nottage Hill Shiraz from Australia that is perfect with anything…you’ll be the hit of the pandemic.” If you insist on white, LaRouche suggests the Chateau St. Michelle Chardonnay from Washington State. “I don’t know of another Chardonnay that can hold up to massive loss of life like the St. Michelle,” he added.

Uno: The fun card game for the entire family

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Off the record, most government officials fear that the post-apocalyptic environment that will exist following the end of the pandemic could be one of massive societal breakdown, anarchy and an increase in late fees at Blockbuster. This period will be ideal for entrepreneurs to create their own rogue nation-state bent on the annihilation of both democratic ideals and the cast of American Idol. In order for a newly formed rogue nation state to achieve such lofty goals, most experts believe it will be important to stockpile both weapons of mass destruction and an extra pair of Dockers. If you are considering world domination, terrorism experts suggest you take the following steps:

Shop around… with most people focused on stockpiling non-perishable food items and bottled water, WMD inventories have continued to grow, resulting in excellent deals for aggressive price shoppers. Islamazon.com has healthy stocks of WMD’s from the most popular manufacturers…and in a variety of colors. The popular terrorist on-line auction site, WMDbay, is also seeing brisk activity on some of its most lethal terror items such as mustard gas and DVD box sets of PBS’ Masterpiece Theatre. In order to move some of its inventory of enriched, weapons-grade plutonium, the massive, big-box retailer, Home Despot, is now offering special Saturday morning “Build a Bomb” classes for parents and children. “Many aspiring megalomaniacs have no idea where to start when it comes to building a nuclear weapon,” said Achmed Wilson-Jones, Special Event Coordinator for Home Despot. “These classes have been a great way to bring post apocalyptic jihadists into our stores for a fun family activity that also provides excellent hands on experience in weapon construction, deployment and detonation.”

Store WMDs properly… most WMDs have highly sophisticated timing and detonation devices that are sensitive to temperature, humidity, dust particles and wads of Bubblicious. For the best possible performance, it is important to store your WMDs in a specially designed chamber made from reinforced concrete and pumice block walls, with an outer layer of prefabricated metal sheeting and insulated metal roofing. If such a structure is impractical because of either space of financial restrictions, Tupperware makes an entire line of WMD-safe containers for easy storage in your basement.

Steps to prevent detection of your WMDs… Because WMD’s are illegal in most states, many aspiring “dictators for life” are planning elaborate schemes to avoid detection. Most experts, however, believe that such schemes are completely unnecessary as it is highly unlikely that the U.S. government will be able to locate your WMD’s. “Just keep ‘em in your garage next to your Ortho Weed Be Gone,” said a senior intelligence officer. “We’ll never know the difference. He added: “Of course, if you are really nervous about detection, you can simply move your family and all of your WMD’s to North Dakota or Idaho where anarchists are welcomed.”

GOT PANDEMIC?

It's important to plan ahead.

For more than a year, world health officials and Eyewitness News at 11 have been warning of the potential spread of H5N1, otherwise known as the avian flu. In the U.S., government officials and their legal dependents believe migratory birds carrying the virus will likely arrive in North America before the end of this year...or by Tuesday afternoon at 4:35PM.

At the moment, the only way to catch bird flu is through a close, personal and intimate relationship with an infected bird, or by attending the Ice Capades. The disease does not spread easily from birds to humans, but if you happen to be sharing a bed with a double crested cormorant, you might want to cancel your vacation plans! If the flu mutates into a strain that can pass between humans, officials estimate that the number of deaths in North America could range from 2 million to, well, everyone.

There is no way of knowing if H5N1 will spread between humans. But if it does, the U.S. government wants all citizens to be prepared for a disaster that could dramatically impact the quality of service at Applebee's in addition to distrupting bus service on the #23 and #35 lines. As a service to all 2 of its readers, The Insecure Male (TIM), in association with Haliburton and the cast of "Lost" has created the following guidelines to help make your avian flu experience more productive and enjoyable.

MAKE PLANS NOW

* It is important to recognize that the avian flu pandemic can last weeks, months or until the end of time as we know it. As such, it is important to plan accordingly. If you haven't already done so, have the Post Office hold all of your mail until after the pandemic ends. Also, be sure to pick up your dry cleaning-many dry cleaners will not hold clothing items until the end of time as we know it. Unless you've made a significant deposit on a hall, authorities suggest that you should reconsider having a wedding or bar mitzvah during a time when all of your friends and relatives are either dying or planning to die.

* Talk openly with your children about the pandemic. Assure them that the flu will result in unimaginable horrors, massive loss of life and a strong likliehood that Old Navy will be closed for an indefinate period of time. Because a pandemic is an abstract concept, most younger children will not be able to fully comprehend the magnitude of the impending tragedy. As such, many public libraries have stocked extra copies of popular books such as "Berenstein Bears and the Black Plague." Fortunately, because teens tend to be nihlistic anyway, they will likely enjoy discussions of their impending demise.

* Sell your home now. Most real estate experts believe that the avian flu pandemic will seriously depress real estate prices. According to Millie Scott of the National Realtors Assocition, home prices fell nearly 70% during the Bubonic Plague. "The last thing people want to think about during a pandemic is getting ready for an open house," said Scott. She added: "I'll tell you something, after this Pan-thingy ends, it's gonna be a dang buyers market, so sell your house now and hide the cash until the market comes back. "

* Do not have unprotected sex with fowl of any kind, especially migratory birds. Even if you are in a committed relationship with a white faced whistling duck or a plum-headed parakeet, you need to remain cautious as such rare breads are highly succeptible to H5N1 and rarely pick up a dinner tab. The Toledo Center for Disease Control and Board Games has begun posting public health warnings at aviaries, zoos and nature preserves. According to Chet Toblar, Executive Director of at the Toledo Center, "Our objective with these postings is to limit the level of "casual contact" that occurs as a result of bird-lovers who frequently cruise these types of venues."

* Become a Christian. Most devout Christians fully embrace the belief that their acceptance of Christ as their "personal Lord and savior" will provide them with immunity from damnation and past-due library fines during the rapture. If the pandemic approaches a "worse case" scenario, it may be worthwhile for a non-believer/hethen/cultist/Catholic/Methodist/Buddhist/Muslim/Hindu/TuTu/Short Order Cook to "hedge your bets" by committing your life to Christ, on paper. Such a committment can now be made on-line at personallordandsavior.org. Simply click on the "I want to be born again" icon to find the membership application. Within 7-10 working days of submitting the application and $10 handling charge, you will recieve your "Born Again" membership packet, which includes a membership card, window decal and limited-edition "I'm saved" regrigerator magnet.

*Move to Guam today, really, we mean it, get the hell out of here...In the event that the H5N1 pandemic reaches the U.S., The Department of Homeland Insecurity recently announced that crisis management will fall under the auspices of FEMA (Fucking Emergency, My ASS!). When reached for comment on the selection of his beleagured agency to handle the avian crisis, Homeland Insecurity Secretary Marty Lewiston said: "Listen, when everyone saw New Orleans drifting out into the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, they immediately blamed FEMA. Sure, they could have been a little more responsive, but it was a weekend after all. At least with the bird flu there won't be as much wind and flooding. I think FEMA shouldn't have much of a problem handling mass burials...don't you agree?" As Lewiston boarded a private jet with his family en route to an undisclosed foreign location, he added: "I feel safe with FEMA at the helm and I think all Americans should feel the same. Now, I gotta get out of here."

Next posting: "Your Pandemic Survival Kit"