GOT PANDEMIC?
It's important to plan ahead.
For more than a year, world health officials and Eyewitness News at 11 have been warning of the potential spread of H5N1, otherwise known as the avian flu. In the U.S., government officials and their legal dependents believe migratory birds carrying the virus will likely arrive in North America before the end of this year...or by Tuesday afternoon at 4:35PM.
At the moment, the only way to catch bird flu is through a close, personal and intimate relationship with an infected bird, or by attending the Ice Capades. The disease does not spread easily from birds to humans, but if you happen to be sharing a bed with a double crested cormorant, you might want to cancel your vacation plans! If the flu mutates into a strain that can pass between humans, officials estimate that the number of deaths in North America could range from 2 million to, well, everyone.
There is no way of knowing if H5N1 will spread between humans. But if it does, the U.S. government wants all citizens to be prepared for a disaster that could dramatically impact the quality of service at Applebee's in addition to distrupting bus service on the #23 and #35 lines. As a service to all 2 of its readers, The Insecure Male (TIM), in association with Haliburton and the cast of "Lost" has created the following guidelines to help make your avian flu experience more productive and enjoyable.
MAKE PLANS NOW
* It is important to recognize that the avian flu pandemic can last weeks, months or until the end of time as we know it. As such, it is important to plan accordingly. If you haven't already done so, have the Post Office hold all of your mail until after the pandemic ends. Also, be sure to pick up your dry cleaning-many dry cleaners will not hold clothing items until the end of time as we know it. Unless you've made a significant deposit on a hall, authorities suggest that you should reconsider having a wedding or bar mitzvah during a time when all of your friends and relatives are either dying or planning to die.
* Talk openly with your children about the pandemic. Assure them that the flu will result in unimaginable horrors, massive loss of life and a strong likliehood that Old Navy will be closed for an indefinate period of time. Because a pandemic is an abstract concept, most younger children will not be able to fully comprehend the magnitude of the impending tragedy. As such, many public libraries have stocked extra copies of popular books such as "Berenstein Bears and the Black Plague." Fortunately, because teens tend to be nihlistic anyway, they will likely enjoy discussions of their impending demise.
* Sell your home now. Most real estate experts believe that the avian flu pandemic will seriously depress real estate prices. According to Millie Scott of the National Realtors Assocition, home prices fell nearly 70% during the Bubonic Plague. "The last thing people want to think about during a pandemic is getting ready for an open house," said Scott. She added: "I'll tell you something, after this Pan-thingy ends, it's gonna be a dang buyers market, so sell your house now and hide the cash until the market comes back. "
* Do not have unprotected sex with fowl of any kind, especially migratory birds. Even if you are in a committed relationship with a white faced whistling duck or a plum-headed parakeet, you need to remain cautious as such rare breads are highly succeptible to H5N1 and rarely pick up a dinner tab. The Toledo Center for Disease Control and Board Games has begun posting public health warnings at aviaries, zoos and nature preserves. According to Chet Toblar, Executive Director of at the Toledo Center, "Our objective with these postings is to limit the level of "casual contact" that occurs as a result of bird-lovers who frequently cruise these types of venues."
* Become a Christian. Most devout Christians fully embrace the belief that their acceptance of Christ as their "personal Lord and savior" will provide them with immunity from damnation and past-due library fines during the rapture. If the pandemic approaches a "worse case" scenario, it may be worthwhile for a non-believer/hethen/cultist/Catholic/Methodist/Buddhist/Muslim/Hindu/TuTu/Short Order Cook to "hedge your bets" by committing your life to Christ, on paper. Such a committment can now be made on-line at personallordandsavior.org. Simply click on the "I want to be born again" icon to find the membership application. Within 7-10 working days of submitting the application and $10 handling charge, you will recieve your "Born Again" membership packet, which includes a membership card, window decal and limited-edition "I'm saved" regrigerator magnet.
*Move to Guam today, really, we mean it, get the hell out of here...In the event that the H5N1 pandemic reaches the U.S., The Department of Homeland Insecurity recently announced that crisis management will fall under the auspices of FEMA (Fucking Emergency, My ASS!). When reached for comment on the selection of his beleagured agency to handle the avian crisis, Homeland Insecurity Secretary Marty Lewiston said: "Listen, when everyone saw New Orleans drifting out into the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, they immediately blamed FEMA. Sure, they could have been a little more responsive, but it was a weekend after all. At least with the bird flu there won't be as much wind and flooding. I think FEMA shouldn't have much of a problem handling mass burials...don't you agree?" As Lewiston boarded a private jet with his family en route to an undisclosed foreign location, he added: "I feel safe with FEMA at the helm and I think all Americans should feel the same. Now, I gotta get out of here."
Next posting: "Your Pandemic Survival Kit"
It's important to plan ahead.
For more than a year, world health officials and Eyewitness News at 11 have been warning of the potential spread of H5N1, otherwise known as the avian flu. In the U.S., government officials and their legal dependents believe migratory birds carrying the virus will likely arrive in North America before the end of this year...or by Tuesday afternoon at 4:35PM.
At the moment, the only way to catch bird flu is through a close, personal and intimate relationship with an infected bird, or by attending the Ice Capades. The disease does not spread easily from birds to humans, but if you happen to be sharing a bed with a double crested cormorant, you might want to cancel your vacation plans! If the flu mutates into a strain that can pass between humans, officials estimate that the number of deaths in North America could range from 2 million to, well, everyone.
There is no way of knowing if H5N1 will spread between humans. But if it does, the U.S. government wants all citizens to be prepared for a disaster that could dramatically impact the quality of service at Applebee's in addition to distrupting bus service on the #23 and #35 lines. As a service to all 2 of its readers, The Insecure Male (TIM), in association with Haliburton and the cast of "Lost" has created the following guidelines to help make your avian flu experience more productive and enjoyable.
MAKE PLANS NOW
* It is important to recognize that the avian flu pandemic can last weeks, months or until the end of time as we know it. As such, it is important to plan accordingly. If you haven't already done so, have the Post Office hold all of your mail until after the pandemic ends. Also, be sure to pick up your dry cleaning-many dry cleaners will not hold clothing items until the end of time as we know it. Unless you've made a significant deposit on a hall, authorities suggest that you should reconsider having a wedding or bar mitzvah during a time when all of your friends and relatives are either dying or planning to die.
* Talk openly with your children about the pandemic. Assure them that the flu will result in unimaginable horrors, massive loss of life and a strong likliehood that Old Navy will be closed for an indefinate period of time. Because a pandemic is an abstract concept, most younger children will not be able to fully comprehend the magnitude of the impending tragedy. As such, many public libraries have stocked extra copies of popular books such as "Berenstein Bears and the Black Plague." Fortunately, because teens tend to be nihlistic anyway, they will likely enjoy discussions of their impending demise.
* Sell your home now. Most real estate experts believe that the avian flu pandemic will seriously depress real estate prices. According to Millie Scott of the National Realtors Assocition, home prices fell nearly 70% during the Bubonic Plague. "The last thing people want to think about during a pandemic is getting ready for an open house," said Scott. She added: "I'll tell you something, after this Pan-thingy ends, it's gonna be a dang buyers market, so sell your house now and hide the cash until the market comes back. "
* Do not have unprotected sex with fowl of any kind, especially migratory birds. Even if you are in a committed relationship with a white faced whistling duck or a plum-headed parakeet, you need to remain cautious as such rare breads are highly succeptible to H5N1 and rarely pick up a dinner tab. The Toledo Center for Disease Control and Board Games has begun posting public health warnings at aviaries, zoos and nature preserves. According to Chet Toblar, Executive Director of at the Toledo Center, "Our objective with these postings is to limit the level of "casual contact" that occurs as a result of bird-lovers who frequently cruise these types of venues."
* Become a Christian. Most devout Christians fully embrace the belief that their acceptance of Christ as their "personal Lord and savior" will provide them with immunity from damnation and past-due library fines during the rapture. If the pandemic approaches a "worse case" scenario, it may be worthwhile for a non-believer/hethen/cultist/Catholic/Methodist/Buddhist/Muslim/Hindu/TuTu/Short Order Cook to "hedge your bets" by committing your life to Christ, on paper. Such a committment can now be made on-line at personallordandsavior.org. Simply click on the "I want to be born again" icon to find the membership application. Within 7-10 working days of submitting the application and $10 handling charge, you will recieve your "Born Again" membership packet, which includes a membership card, window decal and limited-edition "I'm saved" regrigerator magnet.
*Move to Guam today, really, we mean it, get the hell out of here...In the event that the H5N1 pandemic reaches the U.S., The Department of Homeland Insecurity recently announced that crisis management will fall under the auspices of FEMA (Fucking Emergency, My ASS!). When reached for comment on the selection of his beleagured agency to handle the avian crisis, Homeland Insecurity Secretary Marty Lewiston said: "Listen, when everyone saw New Orleans drifting out into the middle of the Gulf of Mexico, they immediately blamed FEMA. Sure, they could have been a little more responsive, but it was a weekend after all. At least with the bird flu there won't be as much wind and flooding. I think FEMA shouldn't have much of a problem handling mass burials...don't you agree?" As Lewiston boarded a private jet with his family en route to an undisclosed foreign location, he added: "I feel safe with FEMA at the helm and I think all Americans should feel the same. Now, I gotta get out of here."
Next posting: "Your Pandemic Survival Kit"
posted by Doug Spak at 7:55 PM
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