GOT PANDEMIC: PART 2

At this point, nobody really knows if the H5N1 avian flu strain will spread to humans or if “The Apprentice” will be renewed for another season. But if the bird flu spreads, the U.S. Government wants Americans to be prepared for a disaster of biblical proportions that will likely render home pizza delivery all but impossible, especially on Sunday evenings.

Several weeks ago, The Insecure Male (TIM), as a public service, published the first of a two part series on long term planning for the avian flu pandemic. In today’s follow up posting, TIM helps you to be as prepared as possible when the bird flu finally arrives at your front door.

WHAT TO STOCKPILE FOR THE PANDEMIC

If H5N1 does reach a pandemic stage, it could last for weeks, years or, worst case, until CBS runs out of new versions of CSI. Because most basic services will be disrupted, The U.S. Department of Homeland Insecurity, FEMA (Fucking Emergency My Ass!) and Nickelodeon have issued the following guidelines for what the average family should stockpile in case the pandemic hits:

Non-Perishable Food: 6,000 cans of Spam, a case of Twinkies and 1 box of Cheezits.

Wine: Under normal circumstances, wine selection can be an intimidating process for an average person and a nearly impossible task for the United States Senate. With the H5N1 pandemic fast approaching, most wine experts fear that there will be wide-spread panic and confusion among wine buyers, potentially leading to a second, a more lethal pandemic of failed dinner parties. Joel LaRouche, author of the best-selling pandemic wine buying guide, “Wines to Die for” cautions against panic hoarding of wine. His biggest fear is that the average person will associate the avian flu with chicken and overstock whites at the expense of variety. “You silly boy,” says LaRouche. “for $9 you can buy a lovely Hardy’s Nottage Hill Shiraz from Australia that is perfect with anything…you’ll be the hit of the pandemic.” If you insist on white, LaRouche suggests the Chateau St. Michelle Chardonnay from Washington State. “I don’t know of another Chardonnay that can hold up to massive loss of life like the St. Michelle,” he added.

Uno: The fun card game for the entire family

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Off the record, most government officials fear that the post-apocalyptic environment that will exist following the end of the pandemic could be one of massive societal breakdown, anarchy and an increase in late fees at Blockbuster. This period will be ideal for entrepreneurs to create their own rogue nation-state bent on the annihilation of both democratic ideals and the cast of American Idol. In order for a newly formed rogue nation state to achieve such lofty goals, most experts believe it will be important to stockpile both weapons of mass destruction and an extra pair of Dockers. If you are considering world domination, terrorism experts suggest you take the following steps:

Shop around… with most people focused on stockpiling non-perishable food items and bottled water, WMD inventories have continued to grow, resulting in excellent deals for aggressive price shoppers. Islamazon.com has healthy stocks of WMD’s from the most popular manufacturers…and in a variety of colors. The popular terrorist on-line auction site, WMDbay, is also seeing brisk activity on some of its most lethal terror items such as mustard gas and DVD box sets of PBS’ Masterpiece Theatre. In order to move some of its inventory of enriched, weapons-grade plutonium, the massive, big-box retailer, Home Despot, is now offering special Saturday morning “Build a Bomb” classes for parents and children. “Many aspiring megalomaniacs have no idea where to start when it comes to building a nuclear weapon,” said Achmed Wilson-Jones, Special Event Coordinator for Home Despot. “These classes have been a great way to bring post apocalyptic jihadists into our stores for a fun family activity that also provides excellent hands on experience in weapon construction, deployment and detonation.”

Store WMDs properly… most WMDs have highly sophisticated timing and detonation devices that are sensitive to temperature, humidity, dust particles and wads of Bubblicious. For the best possible performance, it is important to store your WMDs in a specially designed chamber made from reinforced concrete and pumice block walls, with an outer layer of prefabricated metal sheeting and insulated metal roofing. If such a structure is impractical because of either space of financial restrictions, Tupperware makes an entire line of WMD-safe containers for easy storage in your basement.

Steps to prevent detection of your WMDs… Because WMD’s are illegal in most states, many aspiring “dictators for life” are planning elaborate schemes to avoid detection. Most experts, however, believe that such schemes are completely unnecessary as it is highly unlikely that the U.S. government will be able to locate your WMD’s. “Just keep ‘em in your garage next to your Ortho Weed Be Gone,” said a senior intelligence officer. “We’ll never know the difference. He added: “Of course, if you are really nervous about detection, you can simply move your family and all of your WMD’s to North Dakota or Idaho where anarchists are welcomed.”