"EASTER ON TUESDAY" PROCLAIMS NEW TEXT
Throught the Christian world, biblical scholars and their alter boys are reeling this Easter morning in the wake of the recently recently-released Gospel of Judas.
The Gospel of Judas was among the many early biblical-era texts that were not included in the original canon (new testatment) by Constantin and the Council of Nicea in the 3rd century. Collectively known as the Gnostic Gospels, these rejected texts were considered heretical by the early church. The Gnostic Gospels which included the Gospels of Thomas, Mary Magdeline, Stanley and Mort, among others, portrayed Jesus as more human with the same kind of issues that any middle aged guy would face. This depiction of Jesus was dramatically different than the more divine version included in the approved Gospels: Mathew, Mark, Luke and John.
But the recent discovery of the Gospel of Judas has, more than any other Gnostic Gospel, rocked the foundation of modern Christian teaching. Heretofore considered lost, the Gospel of Judas was uncovered in the attic of Greta Spencer in Schenectedy New York as she was gathering items for a church rummage sale. "I ain't been up in this attic much since we moved in a few years ago and I knew there was a bunch a old boxes up here, " said Ms. Spencer. "I saw this dusty old book, but when I couldn't understand it, I just thought it was Spanish or Jewish or something crazy like that. I just threw it in with the rest of the books and thought I'd let Reverand Sharp have a look see."
As it turns out, Reverand Alan Sharp of the First Presbetyerina Church of Schenectedy had some early training in Aramaic and immediately realized that the book wasn't a Spanish-language edition of The Art of Cooking, but some sort of biblical text. The discovery of the text brought together antiquities experts and biblical scholars from through the world to verify the book's authenticity, intrepret its writings and battle for publishing rights.
"It's the real thing," proclaimed Alan Peterson, Senior Purchasing Manager of Housewares and Antiquities for J.C. Penny. "Through carbon-dating, we determined that the coffee stain on the back cover was made in the spring of 33AD. We're thrilled about this discovery and at $39.99 we think it will be a big seller this coming Christmas."
But it is the intrepretations of Judas' writings that are causing tremendous rifts among biblical scholars. Some of these intrepetations challenge the basic foundation of nearly 2,000 years of accepted Christina doctrine, including:
Judas did not betray Jesus...there is little doubt among scholars that Jesus was the victim of a massive betrayal that led to his crucifixtion. But the Gospel of Judas is now shedding new information that may challenge the accepted belief that Judas was Jesus' betrayer. According to Dr. Martin Schoerson, Head of the Department of Biblical and Astrological Studies at Long Island Community College and Day Spa: "The Gospel of Judas introduces someone named Kurt into the Last Supper story. Kurt, the son of Ephram who begat Barry and Todd once removed, was supposedly in some trouble with the local Centurions and may have sold his soul to get out of jail time. While details are sketchy, Judas' text indicates that Centurions entered the restaurant and arrested Jesus only seconds after Kurt accidently spilled a cup of wine/blood onto the Christ's lap." Dr. Schoerson admits that the evidence is circumstantial, but adds: "The kid certainly had a motive."
The resurrection did not happen Sunday morning... Judas maintains that it took Jesus more than five days to rise from the dead, not three as proclaimed in the official Gospels. "I always thought the three day story was a little too tidy," said Dr. Ronald McClean, head of biblical studies for the National Hockey League. "The simple truth is," he added, "that Emperor Constantin opted for the three-day resurrection story based on his belief that 'no company in the world is going to allow a five-day Easter holiday.'"
Mary Magdeline was not at Jesus' side at the Last Supper...this long-standing debate, fueled in recent years by Dan Brown's best selling novel, The DaVinci Code, is clearly challenged in the Gospel of Judas. According to the intrepretation of the text, Mary Magdeline was not at the Last Supper because Thursday night was her book club. In addition, the text seems to suggest that Mary was annoyed with Jesus because of the increased amount of time he was spending with the apostles at the expense of their relationship. According to Judas, Mary says: "Every week he sayeth the same thing: this will be my last supper with the guys. But it never is. I swear, he thinketh he walketh on water, but frankly, I'm exhausted with the whole situation."
The Last Supper was not a quiet, solemn event...The approved Gospels create a scene of relative peace and serenity as the disciples congretate to break bread with their Lord for the last time. However, the Gospel of Judas goes on at length in its description of the Last Supper as a "raucous affair." Translated from Aramaic, Judas claims the following: First, the restaurant needed to find an extra-long table so that Jesus and the disciples could face forward for the official Last Supper painting. This proved to be very disruptive as it was Passover and the place was packed. Second, there were major issues about who sat closest to his savior. After some haggling, it was agreed that everyone would rotate throughout the evening, but there was still plenty of grumbling. Third, a number of disciples were vegetarians who would not partake of the traditional Passover Paschal Lamb and were distrressed that only red wine was ordered for the table. "Why," one of them asked Jesus, "cannot the blood of Christ be a crisp Chardonnay or possibly a Reisling." Finally, when the check came, it sat on the table, for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, in exasperation, Jesus picked up the tab and apparently says "None of you will repay me," which, of course, in the official new testament is intrepeted as "One of you will betray me."
The release of the newly discovered Gospel of Judas has created a firestorm throughout the Christian world. When reached for comment during his Easter vacation, Pope Benedict XVI read the following statement: "This is a f#&*ing joke! If you ask me, that Dan Brown is behind this Judas Gospel crap because it's tailor made for a book and movie deal. As far as I'm concerned, it's simple: Judas is the betrayer, Magdeline was a whore and Jesus rose on the third f#&*ing day, END OF STORY! I swear, sometimes I hate this f#&*ing job."
Have a Happy Easter.
Throught the Christian world, biblical scholars and their alter boys are reeling this Easter morning in the wake of the recently recently-released Gospel of Judas.
The Gospel of Judas was among the many early biblical-era texts that were not included in the original canon (new testatment) by Constantin and the Council of Nicea in the 3rd century. Collectively known as the Gnostic Gospels, these rejected texts were considered heretical by the early church. The Gnostic Gospels which included the Gospels of Thomas, Mary Magdeline, Stanley and Mort, among others, portrayed Jesus as more human with the same kind of issues that any middle aged guy would face. This depiction of Jesus was dramatically different than the more divine version included in the approved Gospels: Mathew, Mark, Luke and John.
But the recent discovery of the Gospel of Judas has, more than any other Gnostic Gospel, rocked the foundation of modern Christian teaching. Heretofore considered lost, the Gospel of Judas was uncovered in the attic of Greta Spencer in Schenectedy New York as she was gathering items for a church rummage sale. "I ain't been up in this attic much since we moved in a few years ago and I knew there was a bunch a old boxes up here, " said Ms. Spencer. "I saw this dusty old book, but when I couldn't understand it, I just thought it was Spanish or Jewish or something crazy like that. I just threw it in with the rest of the books and thought I'd let Reverand Sharp have a look see."
As it turns out, Reverand Alan Sharp of the First Presbetyerina Church of Schenectedy had some early training in Aramaic and immediately realized that the book wasn't a Spanish-language edition of The Art of Cooking, but some sort of biblical text. The discovery of the text brought together antiquities experts and biblical scholars from through the world to verify the book's authenticity, intrepret its writings and battle for publishing rights.
"It's the real thing," proclaimed Alan Peterson, Senior Purchasing Manager of Housewares and Antiquities for J.C. Penny. "Through carbon-dating, we determined that the coffee stain on the back cover was made in the spring of 33AD. We're thrilled about this discovery and at $39.99 we think it will be a big seller this coming Christmas."
But it is the intrepretations of Judas' writings that are causing tremendous rifts among biblical scholars. Some of these intrepetations challenge the basic foundation of nearly 2,000 years of accepted Christina doctrine, including:
Judas did not betray Jesus...there is little doubt among scholars that Jesus was the victim of a massive betrayal that led to his crucifixtion. But the Gospel of Judas is now shedding new information that may challenge the accepted belief that Judas was Jesus' betrayer. According to Dr. Martin Schoerson, Head of the Department of Biblical and Astrological Studies at Long Island Community College and Day Spa: "The Gospel of Judas introduces someone named Kurt into the Last Supper story. Kurt, the son of Ephram who begat Barry and Todd once removed, was supposedly in some trouble with the local Centurions and may have sold his soul to get out of jail time. While details are sketchy, Judas' text indicates that Centurions entered the restaurant and arrested Jesus only seconds after Kurt accidently spilled a cup of wine/blood onto the Christ's lap." Dr. Schoerson admits that the evidence is circumstantial, but adds: "The kid certainly had a motive."
The resurrection did not happen Sunday morning... Judas maintains that it took Jesus more than five days to rise from the dead, not three as proclaimed in the official Gospels. "I always thought the three day story was a little too tidy," said Dr. Ronald McClean, head of biblical studies for the National Hockey League. "The simple truth is," he added, "that Emperor Constantin opted for the three-day resurrection story based on his belief that 'no company in the world is going to allow a five-day Easter holiday.'"
Mary Magdeline was not at Jesus' side at the Last Supper...this long-standing debate, fueled in recent years by Dan Brown's best selling novel, The DaVinci Code, is clearly challenged in the Gospel of Judas. According to the intrepretation of the text, Mary Magdeline was not at the Last Supper because Thursday night was her book club. In addition, the text seems to suggest that Mary was annoyed with Jesus because of the increased amount of time he was spending with the apostles at the expense of their relationship. According to Judas, Mary says: "Every week he sayeth the same thing: this will be my last supper with the guys. But it never is. I swear, he thinketh he walketh on water, but frankly, I'm exhausted with the whole situation."
The Last Supper was not a quiet, solemn event...The approved Gospels create a scene of relative peace and serenity as the disciples congretate to break bread with their Lord for the last time. However, the Gospel of Judas goes on at length in its description of the Last Supper as a "raucous affair." Translated from Aramaic, Judas claims the following: First, the restaurant needed to find an extra-long table so that Jesus and the disciples could face forward for the official Last Supper painting. This proved to be very disruptive as it was Passover and the place was packed. Second, there were major issues about who sat closest to his savior. After some haggling, it was agreed that everyone would rotate throughout the evening, but there was still plenty of grumbling. Third, a number of disciples were vegetarians who would not partake of the traditional Passover Paschal Lamb and were distrressed that only red wine was ordered for the table. "Why," one of them asked Jesus, "cannot the blood of Christ be a crisp Chardonnay or possibly a Reisling." Finally, when the check came, it sat on the table, for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, in exasperation, Jesus picked up the tab and apparently says "None of you will repay me," which, of course, in the official new testament is intrepeted as "One of you will betray me."
The release of the newly discovered Gospel of Judas has created a firestorm throughout the Christian world. When reached for comment during his Easter vacation, Pope Benedict XVI read the following statement: "This is a f#&*ing joke! If you ask me, that Dan Brown is behind this Judas Gospel crap because it's tailor made for a book and movie deal. As far as I'm concerned, it's simple: Judas is the betrayer, Magdeline was a whore and Jesus rose on the third f#&*ing day, END OF STORY! I swear, sometimes I hate this f#&*ing job."
Have a Happy Easter.
posted by Doug Spak at 7:41 AM
0 comments
